John Morgan Newsletter – S P A C E S

I have some thoughts on anger that I would like to share with you this month that may provide a different perspective to consider.

ANGER

Everyday we deal with anger issues. We even have new names for it like “Road Rage.” We see or hear it on television or radio whether on political talk shows or reality TV shows. We witness it in our own lives, in our relationships, with co-workers or with family members. My guess is anger is not going away anytime soon so let’s see if we can put some perspective on it and gain a finer appreciation of what’s going on with someone who is angry.

I think anger is a very useful emotion. The difficulty I see with anger is that most people hang on to it much past its usefulness and turn it into drama. A whole story is built around the fact that you are angry and your story keeps your anger glued in place. Anger is a signal that something is not sitting well with you. It usually comes on in a flash without any warning. Some stimulus triggered it and now you’re angry.

I should point out here that all anger is a fear. Something scared you and now you are fearful - angry.

The most useful thing I can think of is to acknowledge that you are angry the moment you feel it. Acknowledge it to yourself or to the person who was the stimulus. WARNING: The most counter-productive thing you can say is, “I am angry with you.” That phrase never works. The more productive thing to say is, “I am angry.” Own the feeling because it is your feeling and your response – no one else’s.

Once you acknowledge that you are angry, take a nice deep breath and sigh it out and wonder aloud or to yourself, “what’s the most valuable thing I can do right now to let go of this feeling?” It may take a couple of deep breaths and sighs until you get the hang of it, but once you add this technique to your personal bag of tricks, your angry moments won’t drift into drama.

LONG TERM ANGER

People who are known as angry people have been carrying around their personal drama way too long and it doesn’t serve anyone. People call them short tempered or hot heads. I’m sure some of those people popped into your mind as you read this. They display anger more often than most.

There are three fine golfers on the PGA Tour who carry this anger with them. I won’t name them but this extended anger, in my opinion, keeps them from being part of the elite at the top of the golf world. They all have the requisite skills to be up top and they have all won tournaments but this anger keeps them from excelling. They have no idea this is causing them professional harm, but it is, and will continue unless and until they can own their anger and put it in perspective.

Consistent anger is a red flag that the person displaying it is sad. Sadness sits beneath the anger and fuels it. They are sad about something and they’ve never been able to get that deep with themselves to acknowledge their sadness. Once you recognize that you are sad about something, the anger starts to melt and fade away.

My experience shows me that this sadness appears in many men as frustration and in most women as dissatisfaction. But whether its frustration or dissatisfaction, most often they have a finger pointing outward looking to assess blame to someone. And there is always a justification as to why they are angry, sad, dissatisfied or frustrated. The finger pointing and justification keeps the drama in place. Once someone explores their core sadness and acknowledges it, they will find less anger, frustration, and dissatisfaction in their lives.

This isn’t about withholding your feelings; it’s about recognizing them. If you have an issue with someone, address it. Letting it fester will only bring it to the surface at the most inopportune time and it usually goes downhill from there. But remember, they didn’t make you angry. They just provided a stimulus for your anger. You have many responses you can offer back to that stimulus but anger is the one you choose first. It seems like it chooses you but as you become more aware of your many responses, you’ll have the ability to stick a wedge between their stimulus and your response, so you can come up with something more workable.